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I WANT MY FORESKIN BACK!

So, my good friends, Dirk and Melissa are having a bay boy tomorrow. And for the past couple weeks after softball we debated the "foreskin issue." To snip or not to snip? That is the question. My wife and I have a daughter, but before she was born, and before we knew she was a girl, we had come to the decision that we would NOT snip if we had a boy. We researched and debated and both agreed that if you're born with it it must be there for a reason. PLUS! The "tradition" is really isolated to the U.S. (for whatever reason) and Israel where it's a religious thing. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY it has been determined that men whose foresking is left intact have a better quality of sexual pleasure--which I am all about. So, had we had a boy he'd have the "anteater."

So, upon hearing Dirk say that they were going to snip I was a bit stunned. Firstly because the foresking snipping is beginning to trend downwards again in the U.S. and more people are coming to the same conclusions Sandy an I did. And second, Dirk has his anteater still intact!!! So I was like, "Dirk...whassup?! You got yours! You've heard the 'better sex' arguement! What's the deal? Why you gonna snip the little fella?!" To which he replied (and I'm paraphrasing), "I don't want him getting laughed at in the showers." And then another couple I'm friends with echoed the same basic sentiment.

Is that the only reason we're snipping our kids? If so we have to all grow up a little people. Get out of the "cookie cutter" mentality. Stop being sheep! Stop being frickin' followers!!! We're so worried our kids will get giggled at that we have a pretty darn barbaric surgery done to them when they're only a few hours old. We've got to get over this.

Now, to be completely fair, my little buddy Dirk did further explain that he also had some discomfort growing up when it was time to give the anteater a bath. I guess the foreskin was pretty tight and pulling it back was an unpleasant task for him when he was a wee lad. But now he's completely onboard with the whole "better sex" angle. So, a little "growing pains" for a big payoff down the road? pros/cons. I'm with the deal with the growing pains payoff, man! And I'm guessing he is whether he realizes it or not...the little fella's one of the biggest horndogs I've ever seen!!!

I've found it interesting that the majority of our friends still lean towards the snipping. Inadvertently, my friend Maria kind of made an obseravtion that I don't think she initially intended. She asked me, "Yeah, but how many of your friends that you know weren't circumcized?" To which I replied, "Well, yeah, but that's because we grew up in Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin...that's about as Republican as you can get." By which I meant "Whitebread" "Vanilla" "Middle America." A place where I believe the biggest concern, again, was "God forbid we look different than everyone else!" (BTW, For the most part I'm pretty much Republican, too, so no insult was intended towards Republicans there)

Sad really.

Before Stella was born we took those "birthing classes" and the instructor was very anti-snipping. She went as far as referring to anyone who had their kids snipped as "butchering them" and "robbing from them." A few days later I decided to tell my parents that they stole something precious from me when they had me circumcized (I really laid it on thick!) and that I'd never forgive them. My mother is a total sucker for this kind of crap and I must say that my delivery on stuff like this is pretty damn good. I could win the Oscar for Bullshitting if there was such a category. Anyways, she was taken aback and basically confirmed my arguement by saying, "Well, it's what the doctors were all telling us to do back then...everyone was doing it." To which I replied, "You butchered all of us...we never had a chance."

A week later the phone rings. It's my mom. She says in this really subdued voice, "Do you really think we 'butchered you' when you were born?" She's totally been torturing herself over this for the past week apparently (this is her way). And I am stunned, do the typical eyeroll, and tell her I was just giving her the business. I had to reassure her that I have no recollection (on a conscious level anyways) of the "butchering" being performed, and that seeing as I never had the foreskin I'll never really know how much better the sex would be...I have no basis for comparison. I told her she was off the hook and I was okay with my penis the way it was.

No use in beating her up over it. What's done is done. My bishop goes into battle without a helmet.

So I ask all of you out there reading this to research before making, for what to most seems to be an arbitrary decision. Really research what circumcision is all about and WHY we do it. Don't just have it done because you're circumcized. Because your friends are all circumcized. THINK about it.

I know that I, for one, want my foreskin back.

Word!

r

Comments
Brad Weber's Gravatar Season 3, episode #1 of Penn and Teller's "Bullshit" was dedicated entirely to the agony and pointlessness of circumcision. Someone went so far as to post most of it on YouTube: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-257709153...

It was heartbreaking watching and listening to those poor kids have to go through that crap. Luckily, we had a girl, too, so the wife and I didn't have to fight any more over whether or not to have it done.

There's even a web site dedicated to stopping it: http://stopcircumcision.tribe.net/

Information is the best medicine.
# Posted By Brad Weber | 6/14/07 9:21 PM
Wayne Beamer's Gravatar Dear Dick,

So you and Brad were robbed of what?

Both of you married above your social and intellectual status. Both of you are raising girls? What's the problem?

There is truth, and there is reality...

Besides, what would Bruce do?

Yer friend,

me
# Posted By Wayne Beamer | 6/30/07 8:56 AM
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