Rich Koslowski: Writer, Artist, Genius
homeView and Buy Rich's StuffReviews of Rich's BooksRead Rich's RantsLinksAbout RichContact Rich


I feel that it is my responsibility to my fellow human beings to post this review. I tend to not want to say negative things as the old saying goes, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." but I seriously feel this is a public service announcement.

I had the Dairy Queen Mushroom Swiss Burger today here in Soquel, CA. It was reprehensible. DQ should be ashamed. Embarrassed for serving such an awful hamburger. This was BY FAR the worst hamburger I have ever tasted in my entire life. The second worst one was not even close and to dethrone today's atrocity would take a lot folks, lemme tell you. The bar has been set pretty darn low. DQ, if you're going to offer burgers on your menu at least make an effort. I mean, c'mon!...

Okay, so it comes out. It's flat. I mean the thing's about 1/2 of an inch thick total. I then notice a gelatanous, milky brown "substance" oozing out the sides. I peel back the top of the bun and see the 15 teeny little "mushrooms" sticking (literally) inside this apparent "gravy" that they have. I've never seen "gravy" on a mushroom swiss burger before?...What the...?! It's approximately the same consistency as that Slime we used to buy when we were kids...remember that stuff? Cool stuff but you don't want it on top of your burger, right?

So I look at my wife and she looks frightened. My daughter asks, "What's that?!" But I paid $4 for this thing so I'm putting the top of the bun back down and figuring, "Well, it might not taste as bad as it looks."


I take my first bite. And it requires effort. The burger patty was pretty tough folks. Having been in food service I instantly recognize the god-awful abomination that some idiot dreamed up years ago to "better serve" the customers...the "Food Warmer that lets your cooked patties that you prepared hours ago moistly swim in it's own juices for hours and still taste juicy fresh when served."


Those things should've been banned years ago and any respectable food joint should know better. The patty's tough, tasteless and dry. "Keeping warm" for hours--even fifteen minutes--sucks all the juices out, morons. Have you ever actually tried the damn things after they've sat in one of those abominations???

Okay, so I manage to choke down that first bite and I quickly remove the top bun again and scrape off all the gelatanous mushroom gravy concoction, add some ketchup and try bite two. Better, but not much. I'm not tasting anything remotely close to Swiss cheese...wasn't this a mushroom "Swiss" I ask myself? Peel top bun off again. The slice of swiss is translucent. I mean nearly invisible...a mere "suggestion" of a slice of cheese. Hence, the "not tasting any swiss cheese" part of my dining experience.

Okay, so now you're going to ask me "Why?" when you read this next line...I finished the whole thing.

Because I paid $4 for the damn thing and I'm not exactly swimming in money these days, all right?!

Plus, I want to see if it actually stays down. I mean, I just have to know! It was SO BAD that I want to see the full extent of its "Badness."

Oh, and the fries were pretty blah, too.

To be fair the Sprite I got from the soda dispenser was satisfactory.



p.s. Stella says her Hot Dog's bun had waaayyy too much butter on it, too. She chucked the bun halfway through and just ate the dog. She did like her ice cream sandwich, though.

BlogCFC was created by Raymond Camden. This blog is running version 5.1.004.

Home | View & Buy Rich's Stuff | Read Review | Read Rich's Rants
Links to sites Rich thinks you should see | About Rich Koslowski
Contact Rich | sitemap All contents copyright©2018 Rich Koslowski

web design, development & maintainence - sitebyMIKE