Rich Koslowski: Writer, Artist, Genius
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I love Jerry Seinfeld. My wife loves Jerry Seinfeld. We watch--and have watched--Seinfeld just about every day in syndication and we continue to love it. The man is a genius! THE BEE MOVIE written by Jerry Seinfeld?...not so much. It's a clever, cute idea that never takes flight (that corny little play on words is a sampling of the types of lines in the movie! UGH!). Simply put, the movie was boring.

The premise: A newly graduated young bee learns that he now must enter the job market and that once he picks his job he does it for the rest of his life until he drops dead. And making honey is it. That's all bees do. He wants more. He goes out with the bees ("Flight Jockeys") who gather pollen one day as they have the glory jobs and discovers a big bright new world. He also (inexplicably) strikes up a friendship with a human woman (yes, apparently bees and humans can communicate) and then learns that humans eat, sell, and use enslaved bees to make honey for their own consumption without compensating the bees in any way. So he sues humans for stealing honey and wins. The bees get all the honey back, the enslaved bees go free and all the flowers in the world begin to wither and die. Lesson learned! Bees have a very important function the entire planet depends on. So, our little misguided bee must now go to the Tournament Of Roses parade and hijack a float with roses so they can re-pollenate central park and save the world.

Believe it, or not, the premise isn't half's the execution that totally misfires. It's choppy at best with no real cohesive flow or rhythm. The jokes are horrible. No characters pop out as being likable or memorable. There were a slew of corny jokes and puns which garnered little more than sparse chuckles from the crowd (I think I counted 6), no real tension or conflict, and poor use of the only semi-funny character in the movie; Chris Rock's mosquito character ( I think he had 2 whole minutes of screen time). Patrick Warburton's voice talent (we love Patrick too!) was completely wasted as a constantly screaming, annoying tennis bum. Not funny. Renee Zellwegger(sp?) also wasted with bad lines and a pretty directionless character in the film. And Jerry's character whined in a high shrill throughout the entire film. The high shrill CAN be funny when used sporadically or timed appropriately, but it seemed as if he talked like this through the entire film...and he talked quite a bit. Way too much, in fact. It's like what The Simpsons has sadly become the last 6 seasons...non-stop banter for the sake of non-stop banter. The writers seem to think they have to jam as much pandemonium as possible into each and every scene! Whatever happened to the old comedian adage about "comedy is timing"? They left the audience no time to breathe in THE BEE MOVIE. And yet, the end result of all the pandemonium and high shrilling?...a very, very bored audience. I had trouble staying awake! My daughter, who is an animation junkie has her head on my shoulder through half the film! And after the film we ran into a family we knew and the mom whispered she almost fell asleep and Sandy's (my wife) eyes popped wide as she exclaimed, "ME TOO!"

Bottom-line: we were very sad that we did not like this movie. We wanted to! We love Seinfeld. Truly. But the movie is not very good. In all honesty I give it a D+ and that's "bee"ing very generous (another sample of the humor). I was SHOCKED today reading the Entertainment Weekly review where they gave it an A-!!! Although they do tend to pander to the studios sometimes, don't they. That's why it's wise to wait a week and read the average grade grid they do. I tend to agree with Renee Rodriguez in general...but I digress.

Save your money folks. Watch reruns of Seinfeld instead.




Yes, as I'm sure most of you noticed while watching SportsCenter last Wednesday night, Karl's Country Market's softball team--of which yours truly is the manager and star centerfielder--started out the 2007 season with a resounding 28-1 victory which was highlighted by 5 home runs (one by yours truly)! The crush of interviews following the game only slightly diminished the high we all flew on that night. It was unfortunate that our newest member, Scott "Hengin' with" Engen, got into a shoving match with Stuart Scott from ESPN when Stuart refused to give our Scott his patented "Boo-Yah!" after our Scott chugged a bottle half filled with Randy McMahon's expectorated chewing tobacco--our Scott was very inebriated and I think he was just trying to fit in with his new teammates. The situation was quickly defused, though, and Stuart and Engen ended up leaving together. So, all's well that ends well.

But, yes, our softball team is off to a rousing start (did I mention I hit one over the fence and went 5 for 5 also hitting for the cycle?) and we have our eye on the prize this season. The prize being the consumption of many bratwurst made at the aforementioned Karl's Country Market which is owned and operated by my pop, KARL! My pop's a world champion sausagemaker. He's won state, national and world medals for his recipes. Yep, I could be making a good deal of money had I decided to work in the family biz. But I have "the curse." Some refer to my abilities as a "gift." Those people have never spied my checkbook.

But, the sausage my father produces at his store is world-class and if you're ever in Menomonee Falls, WI make sure to stop in and sample the goods. You'll be leaving with a shopping cart full of stomach-warming goodness. You can also order and have items shipped nation-wide! Just give 'em a call over at Karl's and they'll set you up...262-252-3090

Moving on...

I have sent out all the propoganda (postcards, bookmarks, emails, review copies, phonecalls, interviews, etc.) I could think of to pimp my new book, THE LIST, the past 3 weeks. The book's in this month's "Previews" catalogue with the order forms due in to shops in the next couple days. So now I just sit tight and hope the orders come in. I'll know by the 3rd week in June so I have a bit of sweating to do in the interum. Regardless, though, of what the numbers are I am trying my very best not to "sweat it." And I am failing miserably. It's impossible to be aloof when it comes to these things. You put so much work into a project it's human nature to fret over its success, or lack thereof. I'm a worrier when it comes to these deals. I don't sleep much. What am I going to do.

So, to summarize, not only do I not make any money at this but it's also extremely stressful.

And they call it a "gift" lest you've forgotten.

I have a prediction, though, and you heard it here first. THE LIST will do all right by all accounts as far as sales go in book form. And that's what I'm expecting. BUT! BUT!!! It's going to get the attention of the Hollywood peeps. Feel free to start the rumors. Please. And I'm not joking here. To a person, everyone who has heard the concept behind the book has said, "That'd make a cool movie." So if you're a hollywood producer, director, or know one or the other gimme a shout out. The option is still available as of my writing this and I'm a lot of fun at the negotiation table!

And in other movie news, the first draft of THE 3 GEEKS MOVIE has been written by Jeremiah Hall and I must say all involved are absolutely delighted with it! There needs to be some polishing but not a whole heck of a lot. It's shaping up and looking like it's going to be a heckuvalotta fun!



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